So i posted a short story over on AW. I got some good constructive criticism, and thankfully no outright 'never pick up a pen again' comments :) It needs alot of work (like all my writing) so here is my little recap on the lessons i got from the comments and critiques
#1 ellipses and their overuse! Again, Grammar!!
#2 i need to be more clear in what i'm trying to portray (i often leave people confused)
KISS (keep it simple stupid)
#3 definitely a better set up and maybe i should expand this idea more?
#4 Kill the cliches & repetition
#5 serious editing to improve delivery
#6 more about the characters - more of a 'feel'
#7 Really write different imagery/phrases - not even close to familiar writing.